Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
