last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
