I'm lost and stupid without you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
