His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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