mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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