i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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