Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
