I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
