I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
