Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
