Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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