she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
