Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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