I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
