My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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