dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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