She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
