...so i touched it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize