I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
