Got a toothbrush?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
