I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
