only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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