i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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