Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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