i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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