woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
