you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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