Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just invented taco cereal.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
