Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
