Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
