ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
