I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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