i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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