You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize