Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
