yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
