I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.