i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love