he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
