I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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