I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
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I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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