If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
