Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
