you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm really busy with my period
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