i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
