um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
