apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
