Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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