I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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