it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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