i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He passed out mid-signature
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
