I'm so fucking centered right now
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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