I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
how drunk are you?
Several
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
