"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
