just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
