omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
