Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.