i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it