Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
