new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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