Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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